Sunday, September 3, 2017

I am driving the struggle bus....


I am entering my 6th year teaching 5th grade, and my 10th year total.  That's 10 "first day of school"s and I don't think I have ever been this reluctant to go back.

It's not just that summer is ending, or the days getting shorter.  This doesn't stem from coming to the realization that I have a 1st grader, or that our lazy days together and excursions are done for the next 9 months.

No, this is something more, something deeper, and I just cant's shake it.  I am not excited for school to start.

Before I go further, let me state clearly that my feelings are in NO WAY a reflection on my students (the kids) or their families.  I actually met 21/25 kiddos during assessments/open house activities last week and they couldn't be kinder, sweeter, cuter, etc.

I have tried to wrap my head around this feeling I have and I can't pinpoint or figure out what is causing this deep rooted sadness and anxiety about starting in a few short days.

There are changes in my grade level and building, again.  It seems like every time something "clicks" then a change occurs and it's back to square one.  This isn't the first time a change has happened, but there are just so many that have occurred this year that I am feeling overwhelmed trying to adjust or take it all in.  I really am trying to go with the flow and put on a smile, but it's eating away at me.

Overworked doesn't even begin to describe how I feel.  My list keeps getting longer and longer of things to complete, and it seems nothing ever gets checked off.  I even tried to get rid of some responsibilities this year, and no one else would take on the tasks.  I know I need to learn to say "no" and step back, and I am trying so hard to follow through on this...Worse yet is I don't want to do many of the things/tasks, so I procrastinate until the last moment and then feel bad that it's not my most quality work or effort.

Comparing myself to others is at an all time high, putting me personally at an all time low.  I've actually taken a step back from Instagram and Facebook the past week because it was making me so anxious about my own classroom and shortcomings.  As much as I know that what people put on social media is their best and filtered self, I have still let that eat away at me and my psyche.  I am feeling like I can't compare and that my ideas and thoughts of how to teach these kids and excite them about learning are dumb, unworthy of a second glance, not appreciated, etc.

Even now, as I hack away at this post, I want to cry.  Just get into bed and let the tears roll.  I don't want to go back Tuesday.  I need more time.  I need help and support.  I need something to get me through this funk.

I thought that writing this all down and "talking" through my feelings would help me, but I think I actually feel worse...here's to hoping I can figure this out in the next 35 hours or so until that bell rings.


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